April Fools’ Day Parade Press Release (2021)
ATTENTION NEWS ASSIGNMENT & CALENDAR EDITORS:
The New York April Fools’ Committee Proudly Announces
NEW YORK CITY’S 36th ANNUAL APRIL FOOLS’ DAY PARADE
“DENY, DENY, LIE, LIE!”
The only New York City parade dedicated to conspiracy theorists
New York’s irreverent April Fools’ Day Parade returns, poking fun at the past year’s displays of hype, hypocrisy, deceit, bigotry, and downright stupidity! For the 36th year, the public is invited to create outrageous floats and dress up as look-alikes in colorful costumes to reflect the folly of the nuttiest politicians, crooked corporate leaders, silly celebrities, and whoever else has proved to be a total fool in the past year.
The theme of the 2021 parade is “DENY, DENY, LIE, LIE!” Marchers will assemble at Fifth Ave and 59th Street at 12 Noon, Thursday, April 1, and proceed downtown to Washington Square Park for the climactic crowning of the King of Fools.
The parade’s Grand Marshall this year is Texas Senator Ted Cruz in a sombrero dragging a rolling suitcase. He’ll be followed by the QAnon Marching Band singing the Village People’s “Macho Man.” Color commentary will be provided by former Fox News commentator Lou Dobbs. Security will be provided by the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers who will be standing back and standing by.
The parade will lead off with Donald Trump Jr. driving a Trump 2024 Campaign Bus. Anyone voicing opposition to his dad’s claims of voter fraud will be promptly thrown under the bus. Next up is the Georgia Republican Election Officials Float waving 11,780 Biden votes they’ve miraculously found for Trump. This will be followed by a float with a Scale model of Mount Rushmore with Trump’s Face added, an Exhibition of Displaced Confederate Statues, and a Shipping Container brimming with stolen Podiums, Flags, Computers, Important Papers, and Cell Phones from the January 6 Capitol Insurrection. All of these and some Spin Art attached to a Non-Fungible Token (NFT) on the Mobile Ethereum Mining Float will be auctioned by Christie’s to help fund next year’s event (Cryptocurrency only).
The next float is Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Demonstration of Jewish space lasers beamed to start forest fires in California. Next comes the Apology Float featuring people who have been “canceled” trying to get their lives back including Ellen DeGeneres, Governor Andrew Cuomo, Armie Hammer, J.K. Rowling, Gina Carano, and numerous Capitol insurrectionists attempting to avoid prosecution. Then comes the Carl Lentz Hillsong Global MEGACHURCH Float offering a hypocrites’ prayer service for celebrities willing to tithe. My Pillow Guy Mike Lindell, pushing a pushcart, will be hawking king-size pillows with a hole in the center so anyone who cares about democracy can go f**k themselves.
Weaving through the parade will be costumed look-alikes including Wannabe Social Influencers hawking everything they are wearing, thinking, eating and drinking; Attorney Sidney Powell spouting election fraud evidence; Roger Stone, Mike Flynn and Steve Bannon flaunting their presidential pardons; the buffalo-horned QAnon Shaman fervently chanting for a book or movie deal; Senator Josh Hawley pumping a Sig Heil fist at the crowd; and fake heiress Anna Sorokin looking for a handout. The entire parade will be chased by scores of government agents with subpoenas.
Says organizer Joey Skaggs, “WTF!”
As the parade enters Washington Square Park, carnival attractions will be in full swing. Booths will surround the 12-foot Stainless Steel Monolith that has mysteriously appeared in the park fountain. These include a Government Cyber Attack Training Booth, sponsored by Russian hackers courtesy of Facebook; a Jeffrey Toobin Zoom Etiquette Training Booth; an FDA Research Booth signing up trial volunteers for the Anti-Systemic-Racism experimental vaccine; an Auction Booth for GameStop Shares; and the Rudy Giuliani Hair Coloring and Cosmetics Booth, sharing its space with the Gorilla Glue Hair Extensions Salon. Free COVID-19 anal examinations will be provided by the People’s Republic of China. And COVID-19 doubters can grab a bite at the Take-Your-Life-in-Your-Own-Hands Indoor Dining Pavilion.
The public is encouraged to participate, in or out of costume, with or without floats. Floats should be no wider than 10 feet and no longer than 30 feet and can be self-propelled, towed, pushed or pulled. Customized bicycles, tricycles, baby car-riages and helium balloons are welcome. The April Fools’ Day Parade committee takes no responsibility for damage caused by satire.
Funding for the parade will be provided by Donald Jr., Eric, and Ivanka who are selling top-secret security intelligence briefings to anyone who can afford them. This year’s King of Fools will be nominated by the crowd and will reign through March 31, 2022